HOME

HOME
That's what you feel like
A place where I belong
Comforted and safe
In your arms, holding me close
Tight not letting go

HOME
Is with you
It always has been
I never knew
What I was searching for
What I needed

HOME
Where my heart is
My heart?
Is with you
Keep it safe
Please don't break it

Because
You feel like home . . .

j.h.

Love me?

Don't lie to me
Did you ever love me?
Please I beg of you
All those smiles laughs
Was I ever good enough
I don't care anymore, not really
But I need to know if
You ever loved me

j.h.

Self Hurt

"YOU !  you are unworthy of love
Nothing you could do will ever change that
Everyone knows what you've done
So STOP trying
You can't love others, so why should anyone love you?
Unworthy of love, that's what you are
Unworthy"

You whisper . . .

j.h.

Can I ask a dumb question?

Do you remember when I asked you that?
And do you remember what you said?
"Better than anyone I know"
You know that hurt, I thought that we were friends
Aren't friends supposed to lift each other up?
So why were you bring me down
Do you remember when I trailed off, saying
"Never-mind"
Remember how I walked away?
With hunched shoulders, my head down
I don't think you meant it in that way
But that day was hard, much too hard
To have you turn against me
But you did say it even if you didn't mean it
You added another crack to my already broken soul
So
Can I ask a dumb question?

j.h.

Instead

I don't love you anymore
No. That's not how you said it
You said
             "I need time"
                       "I need to think about us"
                                     "What is love really"
You avoided me
No more smiles
No more quiet jokes
No more sneaking glances
No more texts
No more talks
You couldn't even LOOK at me!

What did I do?
What did I say?

To make you not love me anymore.

j.h.

The reason

I never told you anything
Did you ever realize that?
I would skip around
Avoiding, actually, answering any
Of your questions

I would answer without a real reply
You would nod accepting my answer
Never questioning, I would show you
A front I let you see
You never got to see the real me

I could hide so many things
The hurt you would unintentionally
Put on me, you never realized
You thought you were funny
You were NEVER funny

Your endless ridicule of everything I did
I was never good enough, beautiful enough
"I can never amount to anything"
Was something I heard every day from you
Why?

So M---er the reason I never told you was
YOU

j.h.

I don't fit

I am not the kind of girl who sits quietly, unspeaking

Not the kind of girl who knows all the answers

But is too shy to say anything, not saying my opinions

I don't wear a soft quivering smile, not meeting their eyes

I'm not the kind of girl who sits straight, haughty
Not the kind of girl who knows how to get your attention
But is coy, subtle enough to always keep you on your toes
I don't wear a sly smirk, making you do what I order

I'm not the kind of girl who laughs and giggles uncontrollably
Not the kind of girl who never seems to be all there
But is hiding just how strong and how steely her heart really is
I don't have that dazed smile, always falling, never paying attention

I'm not the kind of girl who slouches comfortably in her seat
Not the kind of girl who knows all the best ways to work out
But is the laziest girl in the whole class
I don't have a smile so confident, it scares away any competition

I'm not the kind of girl who goes out of her way to rebel
Not the kind of girl who scares and intimidates everyone
But is the sweetest, kindest, most compassionate person there is
I don't really smile, I sneer. The curl of my lip frightening

I'm not the kind of girl who can't sit still, ready to answer
Not the kind of girl who interrupts, interjects before any others can answer
But is so scared of failure that I over try, overwork, overachieve
I don't hide my pathetic loneliness behind my school achievements

I'm not the kind of girl who can't/ won't make up her mind
Not the kind of girl who needs to conform to society needs to fit in
But really wants to go rock out to death metal music
I don't practice my smile in the mirror because it needs to be just like the Queen's

I'm not the kind of girl who is always smiling, trying to cheer you up
Not the kind of girl who knows everyone by name and every one is her friend
But needs time to be alone and recharge needs time to compose herself
I don't smile wide, I am not that friendly. I don't need everyone as a friend

All of these girls, boys look for, search for.
I don't fit. I've never fit.
Because I've never been the kind of girl that boys fall-in-love with.

j.h.

I miss you, you know.

Bright like a star, blinking in the night
Warm like the eastern wind ruffling my hair
Sly like a fox, quick to disappear
Courage so strong, happiness somewhat lost
Ready and willing, but always left behind
Sad and longing, her star blinking out
Fading away, in the background. Forgotten.
I miss you.

j.h.

What about chains?

The CHAINS come in many forms
Physical, emotional . . .
Maybe we don't even realize
We've chained ourselves down

Physical CHAINS
The dictionary says "something that binds or restrains"
What is binding you, holding you back?
Set yourself free, let your worries
Drip
      Drip
            Drip
Off like rain after a thunderstorm.
Be like a oak, tall, strong
Unyielding, unwavering in the wind
                    but
be the dew on the leaves, sliding off worries

Emotional CHAINS
Gripping your heart, wrapping around and around
twisting
                confusing
                                     blurring
                                                       unsettling
Why do you keep bring up old pain?
Why do you want to feel hurt?
Isn't the fact that you were hurt enough?
Learn. Grow. From such pain, don't fade away
Don't leave behind an adventure waiting anxiously for you
Waiting for you to go and search for it

What about chains?
Don't let them hold you back
Be free
                  FLY
fly fly away so you will be free 
from 
                                             



                             every-thing

j.h.