Confessions

September 28, 2023

I went to his wedding the other month

it was sweet and everything I wished for them.

But I was in the background

not necessarily hiding....

just forgotten in the noise.

All I could think was how genuinely 

happy I was for him....for her

And how sad I was for myself.

Now don't get me wrong.

I didn't want him. 

We both did our own growing

and wouldn't have been right for each other.

No.

No I was sad about possibly never finding

that kind of love for me.

Maybe that's my biggest fear.

Now, how pathetic is that?

j.h.

Attention

What if he came to you and confessed that he has been hiding his feelings for you from you. What would you do? If he came and said that he made a mistake. That he wasn't ready before but he is now. That he wants to try with you and see where things go?                                                                              What would you say?

I would say this. 

"Hey, I really appreciate you coming and telling me this.

 I truly admire your bravery and courage.

I think you are amazing and really deserve all the best this world has to offer.

So ... I know that I am not it for you.

I am selfish

jealous

clingy

and needy.

You deserve more than that.

And I deserve someone who will give me the attention that I need

because I will not fight for your attention.

I won't.

And I know you wouldn't do it on purpose.

You are just so 

caring

and loving

You are always the first one to volunteer to help.

You are just so full of good that eventually you'd leave me alone.

You're reliable.

I love and hate that about you.

I know that it is honestly so messed up in my thinking 

to be jealous of the people

who need your help.

but I am.

Because there will always be that one person

who won't ever stop asking you for help and I'll start to hate them.

So, thank you for telling me that you'd like to try with me

but no. Go find someone that you deserve.

That person isn't me."

It hurts to think about this.

That one day I may find someone that I really really like but will have to let him go.

Doesn't the phrase go

"If you love them, let them go"

j.h.

Am I worth it?

I used to yell and scream at the girls 

who put all their worth in the eyes of a guy

and here I am

doing the EXACT thing right now.

Now it seems like the only thing on my mind

is how much I am worth to a guy

how much attention am I worth giving?

I swore that would never be me.

I thought I was better than that.

Guess not.

j.h.