what do I want?

there's a question I ask myself
perhaps one that others ask me too

I can't tell and neither can they

No one in my life can figure out

what I want

in life

in friendships

in a home

in a relationship

I feel so lost right now

j.h.

Coward

You called yourself the coward 
but lets be honest we both know

the Coward is me.

I was the one who 

couldn't face the fact 

that I didn't feel the same way.

I was the one who

honestly made up a 

bullshit excuse to end things.

You were sweet

but not who I needed

You were kind

but I never felt heard

you said you are a coward

but in truth, you were 

maybe one of the bravest people

I've ever known.

Sorry for being the coward. 

Sorry for not telling you the truth.

Sorry

Sorry

Sorry

j.h.

Anything but

My heart is protected by thorny vines and encased in glass. I had not think to check on it

You came and stole it

Stole it with your smile

Your directness 

Humor

Care

You took my heart

When you asked to hold me hand, asked to kiss me goodnight 

You walked me right up to my front door

Gathered all that courage. You could've walked away

You didn't

You called yourself a coward

You are anything but

j.h.

Conditions

When I was young I used to love you

Unconditionally

Well, there are conditions now.

Because you see

Love and hate

Are two sides of the same coin

And that coin has been flipped too many times

For me to just love you

j.h.

Confessions

September 28, 2023

I went to his wedding the other month

it was sweet and everything I wished for them.

But I was in the background

not necessarily hiding....

just forgotten in the noise.

All I could think was how genuinely 

happy I was for him....for her

And how sad I was for myself.

Now don't get me wrong.

I didn't want him. 

We both did our own growing

and wouldn't have been right for each other.

No.

No I was sad about possibly never finding

that kind of love for me.

Maybe that's my biggest fear.

Now, how pathetic is that?

j.h.

Attention

What if he came to you and confessed that he has been hiding his feelings for you from you. What would you do? If he came and said that he made a mistake. That he wasn't ready before but he is now. That he wants to try with you and see where things go?                                                                              What would you say?

I would say this. 

"Hey, I really appreciate you coming and telling me this.

 I truly admire your bravery and courage.

I think you are amazing and really deserve all the best this world has to offer.

So ... I know that I am not it for you.

I am selfish

jealous

clingy

and needy.

You deserve more than that.

And I deserve someone who will give me the attention that I need

because I will not fight for your attention.

I won't.

And I know you wouldn't do it on purpose.

You are just so 

caring

and loving

You are always the first one to volunteer to help.

You are just so full of good that eventually you'd leave me alone.

You're reliable.

I love and hate that about you.

I know that it is honestly so messed up in my thinking 

to be jealous of the people

who need your help.

but I am.

Because there will always be that one person

who won't ever stop asking you for help and I'll start to hate them.

So, thank you for telling me that you'd like to try with me

but no. Go find someone that you deserve.

That person isn't me."

It hurts to think about this.

That one day I may find someone that I really really like but will have to let him go.

Doesn't the phrase go

"If you love them, let them go"

j.h.

Am I worth it?

I used to yell and scream at the girls 

who put all their worth in the eyes of a guy

and here I am

doing the EXACT thing right now.

Now it seems like the only thing on my mind

is how much I am worth to a guy

how much attention am I worth giving?

I swore that would never be me.

I thought I was better than that.

Guess not.

j.h.

what is love?

I am a hopeless romantic 
without the romantic...

so really I am just hopeless.

A useless, desperate, ineffective case,

a mess,

a mistake

A friend told me that I still

am a hopeless romantic

they said that I just buried that part of me

I think that part of me is gone

I don't think she is going to be back

j.h.

3rd time

there is something so wrong with me

1:
he ghosted me, like legitly but I was the one who basically told him that the date sucked. why did I do that? why was I so cruel? we could have worked I wanted it to work I wanted someone to want me. how pathetic is that?

2:

he told me that he wasn't looking for anyone. that he wanted to focus on school. all valid points and I would have fully believed him if I didn't find him on a dating app later on. was I too aggressive that he felt like he had to lie to me?

3:

the third time's the charm right? there is still time. there is still hope. 

j.h.

The Helper

She has quiet, helping hands
That sometimes goes unnoticed.
He has strong, warm shoulders
That too many have cried on.

She has a bright smile

That only dims when no one is looking

He has ears that hear everything

When will someone notice he wants to speak too?

She has soft and swift feet

That dance around the eggshells left behind by "loved" ones

He has worn and sore knees

Cracking from the pressure of always being at their level.

j.h.

[Her]

I know that he doesn't and won't ever like me. Is that why I am attracted to him? He likes conventionally pretty girls who are personable, athletic, and funny/ goofy. He likes girls like [Her]. I am not her and she doesn't get that. How do I make her understand that I can't be like her, I have to be ... me. I am proud to be me. It's just that being me won't get me, anyone. Being me doesn't get many fans and for the most part, I am okay with that. Sometimes, it would be nice to be wanted and desired because I am not [Her]. 

She told me today that he is adorable (he is) and she would love it if we worked. I told her it wouldn't ever happen and thanked her for the encouragement. She asked me why. To make it simple I told her I wasn't his type. I didn't want to get into the fact that it wouldn't work because I wasn't her. Bless her, ... she asked me how I knew. 

How do you tell your best friend that you are almost positive that he loved her first and you don't want to end up being the second he settled on?? How do you tell her that he always referred to her as the "cute one" when he talked to his mom? How do you tell her that you will never measure up to her and the lasting impression she left behind on him? How?

So I told her about several conversations that I had with him told me I wasn't his type. She scoffed at me and told me that things like "types" change when you meet the right person. She's right. Someone's type will change if they are the right person but I won't ever be that right person, not for him at least. 

You know, at the end of the day, it's okay. It's okay. At least it has to be, right?

j.h. 

Dear [redacted],

I don't know what to say. And I know I'm pulling a Lara Jean. But these are therapeutic.

I have this letter open. I know that you will never read it and yet ... I'm still scared to write anything.

I'm scared that if I write anything with substance I will never get over you.

And I need to get over you. I do.

I am almost positive that you don't like me and never will. So, I hope this letter helps me sort out my feelings. 

Okay. If I start with why I like you, I can get to why it'll never work.

I.

I like your smile, how it lights up your face and crinkles around your eyes.

I like your facial hair even if you did have that dinky little Maverik mustache a while back.

I like your willingness to serve. You don't just say yes, you actively look for opportunities.

I like how hardworking  you are. Really, you are always in your spot studing.

I like how you are unafraid to fully embrace who you are. How much you love God.

II.

It will never work. You are too happy, too pure.

It will never work! For someone so sure of yourself, you deserve someone just as sure.

It probably will never work. You need someone as caring and selfless as you are.

It won't work. I give up too easily. 

It can't work. I don't deserve to be loved by you.

III.

I wish that this worked. 

I wish that when I wrote out what I liked I wrote out all of my attraction to you.

There are more thoughts running through my head but I'm scared to write them.

If this is meant to work it will.

So, it won't work out.

j.h.

A good friend's marriage pt2

 A good friend of mine has been divorced 

for two whole years now.

I look at her and wonder why this happened to her

When I was at their wedding I saw a love so pure

I'm sure I saw it. it wasn't an illusion

so where did it go?

that earth-shattering kind of love?

Was it ALL fake? can love really exist?

if love failed for her, what hope do I have?

I remember the blessing I gave them that day

"I hope their love triumphs over all"

HA.

what a joke.

j.h.