Shadows

Shadows in the morning
are friendly
They reach out you, to pull you back to bed
they grin and tease you, as you make breakfast
Shadows in the morning
are friendly

Shadows at night
are not
They reach out to you, to pull you into dangers
they grin and tease you, showing you what they could do
Shadows at night
are not

Which are you I wonder?
Shadow of the morning?
Or
Shadow of the night?

j.h.

Remember to laugh

"Remember to laugh"
when days get colder, harder
"Remember to laugh"
when all the world turns on you
"Remember to laugh"
when hope seems so far away
Remember
Remember
Remember
"Remember to laugh"
I say quietly
weakly
faintly
soundlessly
"Remember to laugh"
I say hoping that I'll
Laugh instead of Cry
Giggle instead of Shout
Remember that laughing is the
ONLY WAY
that you'll get through today
j.h.

Anger

often you catch me off guard

when you come to visit me  

most of the time I never
realize that you've come
until it is much too late
and i've said something
hurtful
or
crushing

i hate it when you come
you always bring more pain
so why
          why
                why
can't i get rid of you?

it used to be months
before you'd visit
now it is every day
your presence
growing by the
hour

please

please

i beg of you

leave me
alone

let me have peace again

j.h.

who were you to me?

who are you?
do i know you?
I whisper to the
one in the mirror
were we friends?
did we laugh
i stare unblinkingly
did i love you?

j.h

What could I have done?

I watch you smiling and laughing
You look so happy
At least happier than you were with me
You say she understands you
Like really understands you
Didn't I know you like that too?
Wasn't there a time in your life when
We, together, were happy?
I guess its just my wishful thinking
Maybe I just put too much into us
When there NEVER really was an us
I watch you now and wonder sadly
"What could I have done differently?"

j.h

Grace

Trying hard not to act nervous around Grace was making him more nervous. He told her that he was just going to be a few minutes, and already he was gone an hour. Tonight everything had to be perfect. She had to say yes. Sebastian took one last look at the gazebo glittering in fairy lights. This was where she taught him how to dance. His ringing phone breaks him out of his reverie. It was Grace.

“Where are you? I told my parents that you would be here to get me at half-past six!”

“Sorry dearest, I guess I lost track of the time.” He says trying to soothe his frazzled girlfriend. Seb heard a long sigh. At the noise he had to smirk, Grace was always sighing her displeasure.

“Just get back here. ”

“I love you, Grace.”

“Yeah, yeah love you too. You dork.” Seb waits until he hears a “click” at the other end before he shuts his phone. He shakes his head, chuckling. This was the woman he loved. Quickly, not wanting to test his love’s patience, he gets into his car. He reaches Grace’s house little past half-past six, alright a lot past half-past six. But what was he supposed to do? There was traffic. Grace is pacing outside when he drives up.

“Of all days to you choose to be late Seb.” She says still a little bit frazzled, but at least she is smiling. Seb grins. “Of course, you know how I like to make an entrance.” She smacks his arm.

“That I do know, but really? It’s my birthday! If there is one day where you shouldn’t be late, it is today.” He just shrugs, and Grace rolls her eyes.

“Come on Mr. Sloth,” she giggles dragging him inside.

“Hey, Ryan. Sorry I’m late, sir.” Seb says apologetically.

“No worries, It isn’t my big day,” Ryan smirks at his daughter and her boyfriend while watching the news. Seb smiles.

“Dad? Where’s mom?” Grace asks. Her dad pauses, before taking a deep breath.

“Uh . . . you know, probably in her room. She . . . uh . . . hasn’t really come out of our room since. . . you know.” Grace’s eyes widen.

“Right, yeah, of course, that’s where she would be.” Seb looks at Grace and her father confused, what had happened? After a few moments of shifting on his feet, Grace turns to him.

“Seb? Weren't we going to go do something?” Seb blinks. Right, he was finally going to ask her to marry him.

“Right, yeah we got to go. Bye Ryan. Nice talk. .?” He begins to walk out the door.

“Grace, sweetheart? Remember you gotta . . .” Ryan gestures something that only he and Grace understand.

“Yeah, Dad. I know.” Grace says sadly. “Bye, dad. I love you.” When they climb into the car, Seb turns to her confused.

“What was that all about?”

“Nothing you need to worry yourself with,” she says a bit harshly, barely holding back tears. “Can we just go?”

“Yeah . . . remember where you taught me how to dance?” He asks, hastily changing the subject.

“Of course,” she smiles. “Is that where we’re going?” By the time they get to the gazebo, the sun is setting and the fairy lights are flickering.

“Oh,” she breathes, “it’s beautiful.”

“I know how much you love dancing, so I figured we could just dance here. Just like old times.”

“Oh, Seb . . .” there were tears in her eyes. He bows low before taking her hand, spinning her on to the “dance floor”. Grace laughs, resting her head on his chest. They begin to sway, dancing to their own music.

“Seb?”

“Yes?”

“We have to talk.”

“Huh?” Grace pulls away from him, her face sad.

“Seb . . . I can’t be with you anymore. I’m sick. The doctors say that this is my last week.”

“So marry me.” He gets down on one knee, ready to pull out the ring.

“Seb . . .”

“Please Grace . . . just marry me.” But before she can say anything else, she falls to the ground writhing in pain.

“Grace!!” In a panic, Seb calls 911.

“Hold on Grace. Please hold on,” he sobs. The paramedics charge in and place Grace on a gurney. They hook her up to an IV as her heartbeat starts to slow to a stop. Inside the ambulance, the paramedics run around trying to keep Grace alive. They do everything they can, but they can’t bring her back.

“Time of death 19:45, 50 seconds.”


j.h.

Casual Words

You threw them at me
unconsciously, thoughtlessly
You never really realize
What your saying
I know that, but how?
How is it that you can
Just blurt out whatever
Never understanding who you've hurt
How you can hurt someone with you
Casual Words.

j.h

Changed my life

I bet you don't remember
But, that morning with you
Changed my life
Watching the sunrise together
Laughing together
I guess I finally realized
I can be loved by others
That I had people who cared
Thank you for changing my life
Thank you for watching the sunrise with me

j.h

Come back to me

I wish I told you what you meant to me
I wish that back then I didn't push you away
I wish that I had tried to hold onto you
I wish I listened to you when you said goodbye
I wish
I wish
I wish
But no matter of wishing will bring you back to me

j.h

Day 6

Five ways to win my heart
1. Give me food I can eat
2. Listen to me talk
3. Laugh with me
4. Understand me
5. Love me

j.h

Eyes

I could get lost in your eyes
I guess I did once upon a time
They were a kaleidoscope of colors
Of emotions, you tried so hard to hide
They say eyes are the window to the soul
Perhaps I saw your soul
Maybe I was entranced by your soul
By the fact that you had some much to say
But never said what you really needed to say
And once upon a timeThe wonder that your eyes held
Didn't trap me anymore
I guess you finally learned how to 
Shut me out.

j.h

Mirror

I once knew a girl who was different, for

The stars in her eyes glittered

Shining with a light that I longed for

And then...one day, one month, a year

I watched them flicker, dim and fade altogether

Sure, the stars were still there

But who can see stars that no longer shine

Oh how i’ve wondered what happened

That made her lose such precious light

It was a few years before I saw her again

Her eyes were dark and empty

Cold as ice freezing over a frozen lake

They were dead. Lightless. Shattered

When I saw her next

There seemed to be a gleam

An almost shine, but not quite

Slowly, slowly that gleam turned into brilliance

Now her eyes are starry again

Not quite as many stars, but they shine and shimmer

For they carry oceans of sadness too

I once knew a girl who was different

And years went by before I realized

That girl was me

j.h

Challenge

My eyes gleam
My lips pull up into a sneer
Arms folded, and feet apart
Shoulders back and my head straight
I've issued a challenge
Now I wait for you to accept
Wait for you to pick up my "gauntlet"
Instead, you do worse, much worse
At least if you had picked it up I'd have respect for you
Now I just stare distastefully at your gutlessness
You coward! You didn't even dare meet my gaze
No, you turned away to look at my clenched hands
You wait for someone stronger than you to help
To take my challenge meant for you
But no one stepped in to help your worthless hide
For a second I grit my teeth, my nose flaring
Fine, I'll let you leave with an illusion
An illusion that all is well
So I "seemingly" take back my challenge
I relax my shoulders and unfold my arms
I shrug as if nothing you did troubled me
Now, now you meet my eyes and smile
I let a small smile inch its way to my lips
I guess you thought the conflict was over
That you had done nothing worth challenging
Maybe you felt that we were still friends
But how could I be friends with a spineless snake?

j.h

Cry

I cried for you,
did you know that?
When you first left,
you know? I thought i meant
SOMETHING
to you, i guess not.
well not enough to make
you stay.
You said you were
protecting me.
Well guess what?
I don't need you anymore
don't need the protection you
worked so hard to get me.
You don't deserve
ANY compassion I could offer, and
you especially
Don't Deserve To Be Cried Over
not anymore



j.h

My best friend

"Describe your best friend"

Her silence is her loudest scream, pain flutters in and out of her eyes. Joy in every smile, and anger with every scowl. Beauty escapes her words, whether she speaks or when she writes. Curiosity shines as she tilts her head gazing at the everlasting heavens. She laughs at the face of danger, in fact revels in it. Her savagery knows no bounds when fighting with her enemies, the ones who she despises. Caution seen with a still hand, excitement with a longing sigh.

j.h

Day 18

30 facts about self

1. Love to read
2. Dark eyes - almost black
3. Dark brown hair
4. Wears glasses
5. Love to write - Poetry
6. Love dark chocolate
7. Hate HATE snakes
8. Cousin at my school
9. 4 little monsters (bunnies)
10. 3 crazy chickens
11. A million fish
12. On Wednesdays I go to the temple
13. I am 16 going on 17 (Update ... I'm almost 19 now)
14. Only child
15. Traveled to Taiwan
16. Traveled to Canada
17. Don't like the ocean
18. Or marine animals
19. No math
20. I wear a watch (apparently backwards)
21. I really did do track
22. I play the piano beautiful
23. Always wear at least one jacket
24. I am savage with my words
25. I am half Chinese
26. My middle name, the direct translation is Ocean Mist
27. I take Chinese class
28. I am 5'1 (5'2.5 now)
29. I am an Austen fan
30. I love myself and all my flaws :)

Day 17

Post about my zodiac sign, and whether or not it fits or not
I'm a cancer.
It doesn't fit me











Actually? Never mind. I guess I really do fit as a CANCER.

Day 16

Something I miss 

Something being able to laugh with you
The smile on your face that light up my world
Just being there with you, sitting by our stream
Something I miss with all my heart is your presences.

Why?

Do you trust me?
Why?
I've done nothing worthy of you trust
So why do you trust me?
Why do you trust me when I've hurt you
When I've done everything to make you turn away
To push you away from me
Why are you still here
Why
Why
Why?
Why do you trust me?

j.h.

Day 11

Something you always think "What if . . . "about
What if . . .
I never met you
What would my life be like

What if . . .
I never moved here
What would I be like

What if . . .
I never fell in love with you
Would my life be better without that pain

What if
What if
I hope I never find out

j.h.

Day 10

Write about something I feel strongly about
I feel strongly about getting enough sleep.
Otherwise, you turn loopy the next morning.
Otherwise, you worry about too many unnecessary things
I know that I've waited until the last possible moment to do a project
But
I know that sleep is very important
So go and sleep, my friends

j.h.

Worth Saving

You were worth it, always
Thank you for proving me wrong
Thank you for helping me realize
You never cared for me
That all the those sacrifices
Was ALL for nothing
You were always worth saving

j.h.

Day 8

Something I struggle with 
Finding motivation to forgive others
When they do something stupid
When they don't help
I guess my biggest thing is
Giving forgiveness
I get angry fast
But my anger simmers
And then I end up holding
Too long grudges
Or you know
Motivation for anything
That a pretty big struggle


j.h.

Day 4

Write about someone who inspires me
Someone who inspires me?
To inspire means to guide
So who guides me?
I have a fox who nips at my heals
Reminding me that I'm not alone
A snake who slithers stealthily silent
very ready to help me when called
The snake and the fox
They are the ones who inspire me
Inspire me to "prance" through life

j.h.

Stop!

Stop!
Do you only have a wishbone?
Where is your backbone?
Why are you always talk talk talk
But no act at all, no courage in your heart
"Stop wearing your wishbone were your backbone ought to be"

j.h.

Congrats

Congratulations
You have broken me
You have my heart
But that's not enough is it?
You want everything
You took everything I was
So congratulations
You broke me.

j.h.

Love in less than ten words

Letting
go
so
they
can
achieve
what
you
can't

or

putting
their
needs
before
yours
even
if
it
hurts
(From a friend)

j.h.

Villain

"The hero doesn't get the reward. The hero pays the price"
Why be the hero? Why go through all that pain?
Just to be the only one to pay the price
So, who wants to be the hero?
Why not be the villain. No rules, no one holding you back
Being a villain means freedom, liberty.
To be a villain is much better than being a hero.

Right?

j.h.

Day 2

Write about something someone told me that I've never forgotten 

Something that someone has told me

Something I've never forgotten

What is something I haven't 

Forgotten?

Something good?

Something hurtful?

I think the things that we don't forget

Is when someone close to us

Says something so hurtful

Like "you're ugly" "you will never amount to anything"

Why don't we remember the things that

Help us smile?

Why don't we remember when someone says

"I love you"?

or

"Smile. You have a beautiful smile"?

Something someone has told me, something good, 

I have never forgotten is

"Be bold. You will need to be bold in all you do"

j.h.

A Million Memories

 

They asked me if I knew you
A million memories burst
through me
All the times we laughed
The times we cried

They asked me if I knew you
You
when you smiled
when your eyes twinkled
I guess then I did

They asked me if I knew you
I suppose I used to
Used to know
what made you happy
what you just loved

How even rain couldn't dampen
your mood
Well if someone asks
If I knew you
I'll just smile sadly and say

"I used to"

j.h.

Magpie

I am a magpie
I like bright,
shiny things
I take them
Secretly
hiding my
Treasures
holding them
close to me
UnWilling
Unable
to free them
no "X" marks
the spot of
My treasures

j.h.

You were my happy ending

My happy ending, that's what you were
I guess it's my fault for not telling you
Maybe that is why you left me

j.h.

Haven't I

So much depends
upon
the MONSTERS within
me
Crying to come
out
behind my smirking
face

For,

I led to
annihilation
destruction was my
playground
forever leading to
insanity

You wish to
forgive
me, of all
people
leading you down
there

"There" was a
place
of hopelessness, despair
greed
of so many
sorrows

Left to be
untold
forgotten or rejected
woes
in the lost
meadows

Please leave me
be
All I've wanted
PEACE
from hurts I've
caused

But that is
nevermore
I've lost every
chance
for forgiveness, from
you

Haven't I?

j.h.

HOME

HOME
That's what you feel like
A place where I belong
Comforted and safe
In your arms, holding me close
Tight not letting go

HOME
Is with you
It always has been
I never knew
What I was searching for
What I needed

HOME
Where my heart is
My heart?
Is with you
Keep it safe
Please don't break it

Because
You feel like home . . .

j.h.

Love me?

Don't lie to me
Did you ever love me?
Please I beg of you
All those smiles laughs
Was I ever good enough
I don't care anymore, not really
But I need to know if
You ever loved me

j.h.

Self Hurt

"YOU !  you are unworthy of love
Nothing you could do will ever change that
Everyone knows what you've done
So STOP trying
You can't love others, so why should anyone love you?
Unworthy of love, that's what you are
Unworthy"

You whisper . . .

j.h.

Can I ask a dumb question?

Do you remember when I asked you that?
And do you remember what you said?
"Better than anyone I know"
You know that hurt, I thought that we were friends
Aren't friends supposed to lift each other up?
So why were you bring me down
Do you remember when I trailed off, saying
"Never-mind"
Remember how I walked away?
With hunched shoulders, my head down
I don't think you meant it in that way
But that day was hard, much too hard
To have you turn against me
But you did say it even if you didn't mean it
You added another crack to my already broken soul
So
Can I ask a dumb question?

j.h.

Instead

I don't love you anymore
No. That's not how you said it
You said
             "I need time"
                       "I need to think about us"
                                     "What is love really"
You avoided me
No more smiles
No more quiet jokes
No more sneaking glances
No more texts
No more talks
You couldn't even LOOK at me!

What did I do?
What did I say?

To make you not love me anymore.

j.h.

The reason

I never told you anything
Did you ever realize that?
I would skip around
Avoiding, actually, answering any
Of your questions

I would answer without a real reply
You would nod accepting my answer
Never questioning, I would show you
A front I let you see
You never got to see the real me

I could hide so many things
The hurt you would unintentionally
Put on me, you never realized
You thought you were funny
You were NEVER funny

Your endless ridicule of everything I did
I was never good enough, beautiful enough
"I can never amount to anything"
Was something I heard every day from you
Why?

So M---er the reason I never told you was
YOU

j.h.

I don't fit

I am not the kind of girl who sits quietly, unspeaking

Not the kind of girl who knows all the answers

But is too shy to say anything, not saying my opinions

I don't wear a soft quivering smile, not meeting their eyes

I'm not the kind of girl who sits straight, haughty
Not the kind of girl who knows how to get your attention
But is coy, subtle enough to always keep you on your toes
I don't wear a sly smirk, making you do what I order

I'm not the kind of girl who laughs and giggles uncontrollably
Not the kind of girl who never seems to be all there
But is hiding just how strong and how steely her heart really is
I don't have that dazed smile, always falling, never paying attention

I'm not the kind of girl who slouches comfortably in her seat
Not the kind of girl who knows all the best ways to work out
But is the laziest girl in the whole class
I don't have a smile so confident, it scares away any competition

I'm not the kind of girl who goes out of her way to rebel
Not the kind of girl who scares and intimidates everyone
But is the sweetest, kindest, most compassionate person there is
I don't really smile, I sneer. The curl of my lip frightening

I'm not the kind of girl who can't sit still, ready to answer
Not the kind of girl who interrupts, interjects before any others can answer
But is so scared of failure that I over try, overwork, overachieve
I don't hide my pathetic loneliness behind my school achievements

I'm not the kind of girl who can't/ won't make up her mind
Not the kind of girl who needs to conform to society needs to fit in
But really wants to go rock out to death metal music
I don't practice my smile in the mirror because it needs to be just like the Queen's

I'm not the kind of girl who is always smiling, trying to cheer you up
Not the kind of girl who knows everyone by name and every one is her friend
But needs time to be alone and recharge needs time to compose herself
I don't smile wide, I am not that friendly. I don't need everyone as a friend

All of these girls, boys look for, search for.
I don't fit. I've never fit.
Because I've never been the kind of girl that boys fall-in-love with.

j.h.

I miss you, you know.

Bright like a star, blinking in the night
Warm like the eastern wind ruffling my hair
Sly like a fox, quick to disappear
Courage so strong, happiness somewhat lost
Ready and willing, but always left behind
Sad and longing, her star blinking out
Fading away, in the background. Forgotten.
I miss you.

j.h.

What about chains?

The CHAINS come in many forms
Physical, emotional . . .
Maybe we don't even realize
We've chained ourselves down

Physical CHAINS
The dictionary says "something that binds or restrains"
What is binding you, holding you back?
Set yourself free, let your worries
Drip
      Drip
            Drip
Off like rain after a thunderstorm.
Be like a oak, tall, strong
Unyielding, unwavering in the wind
                    but
be the dew on the leaves, sliding off worries

Emotional CHAINS
Gripping your heart, wrapping around and around
twisting
                confusing
                                     blurring
                                                       unsettling
Why do you keep bring up old pain?
Why do you want to feel hurt?
Isn't the fact that you were hurt enough?
Learn. Grow. From such pain, don't fade away
Don't leave behind an adventure waiting anxiously for you
Waiting for you to go and search for it

What about chains?
Don't let them hold you back
Be free
                  FLY
fly fly away so you will be free 
from 
                                             



                             every-thing

j.h.

Four words

I'm too late, but 

I love you, now. 

I believed in you

But your promises weren't
Real, never ever real
I risked my life
My heart, my soul
For you all you

You left me too
So you don't get
To be mad, no
That I left too
You broke me down
Crushed my soul hard
I had nowhere
To hide, to run

I can't let go
Why did you leave
I could have changed
You never said a
Word, not one word
Coward! You gave up
Up on me, us
Don't worry about me

I hate me too.

j.h.