Confession

At the end of the semester, I confessed my love for him.
I was so nervous.
The neck sweating, hands shaking kind.
Finally, when I saw that he was alone. I made my move.
I said to him 
Yeah. I'm just kidding.
I didn't say anything to him. 
I was going to.
I was so very nervous and I did see a chance. 
But I saw how happy he was . . .
with her.
I couldn't ruin that.
I wouldn't ruin them.
So I didn't say anything.
And to be perfectly honest. 
Best decision I've ever made.

j.h.

A good friend's marriage

A good friend of mine recently got married and
I looked at them and my first thought was
"wow I want that. They are so in love.  I. want. that."
It was the kind of love that you could visibly see.
It was the "When they danced they were the only ones in the room" kinda love.
And I want that so badly.
I don't even know why I want it now.
I am nowhere near ready for that kind of earth-shattering love.
But I want it.
Does that make me greedy? Selfish?
It always seems like the ones who don't look for Love
find it so very quickly.
It doesn't seem very fair.
A good friend of mine recently got married.
I hope their love triumphs over every trial.

j.h.

Mission

I will be gone for 18 months.
I don't know if I am ready.
I know that going on a mission is the right thing to do.
I know that.
I really do.
So, why am I so nervous?
Why am I so scared?
There are so many What if situations that could go wrong.
And knowing me?
They'll all happen.

I will be gone for 18 months.
I will learn so many things.
About myself, people and the Lord.
I want to learn.

Things will be different when I come back.
Sometimes I feel like I don't want to go.
I don't want to leave the familiar.
I don't want to come back and see that everything changed.
I don't want to miss out on things.

When I come back will my friends still want to be friends with me?
Or will I have become too changed?

I will be gone for 18 months.
I will be gone a lifetime.

j.h.

Fight

Neither one of us is brave enough
to start the conversation
all we do is stare.
Stare at the elephant,
stare at each other
Waiting for the other to start speaking
Praying that the other will
put down their pride first and
start speaking again
I wonder how long we've sat here
I have been sitting here so long
I've forgotten what we were fighting about
I miss you, our laughter, our joy
but neither of us is brave enough
To be the first one.


j.h.

Your Letter

I thought I was over you.
Then I got your letter,
it was harmless enough, but
the letter was so very much you.
And I think I've fallen for you all over again.
So, I guess I was never really over you.
Why must you be so sweet and caring?
I don't think my heart'll last.

I got a letter from you.
My heart is yours again.
Please be gentle.

j.h.

Narcissism vs Confidence

Narcissism:
- excessive self-love, vanity
Confidence:
- self-reliance, assurance, trustworthiness

Have you ever wondered if you were
narcissistic or confident?
I have.
I wonder if my assurance of myself is
really just vanity or excessive self-love.
How does one tell the difference?
How does one tell?
I want to be a "good" person and
apparently, confidence is good and narcissism is not.
I just want someone to tell me.
Am I narcissistic or am I just confident?


j.h

His Eyes

his eyes were a deep dark chasm
that every girl gets lost in
they were storms of emotion
either tears of sadness or laughter
i don't ever remember them being clear
now they're just dead.

j.h

Goodbye . . . B*tch pt2

You never told me you were struggling.
Never said that you needed someone.
You never reached out,
so how was I supposed to know
that you needed help?
I'm not a mind-reader.
I can't just know what you're going through.
You need to tell me.
You need to talk to me.
Maybe I should have noticed you pulling away,
maybe I should've tried harder to get you to talk to me.
Maybe.
Maybe.
Maybe.
But this is the past, and I can't do anything now.
You're gone and I miss you and our memories.
Sometimes I wish I had said a better goodbye.
Said something more.
Sometimes I wish I could've helped you.
I wish, I hope, I pray that you find the help you need.
I'm sorry you couldn't find it with me.
I'm sorry you feel like I abandoned you.
I'm sorry that you felt like you couldn't trust me.
I never wanted you to ever feel that way.
So, this is my goodbye.
My goodbye to our happy memories.
My goodbye to our friendship.
My final farewell to you.
Goodbye, bitch.  :)

j.h

Comfort Zone

You know the funny thing about comfort zones?
They feel like home.
I know, I know we've all heard the
"Get out of your comfort zone" speech.
This is not it.

Since coming to college
I don't think I've ever been in my comfort zone.
Sure I've taken a few things here and there
that is like my comfort zone.
But I've never really been there.

Every day there is something new
I have to experience, I have to battle.
And it's EXHAUSTING!
A new laugh, A new smile
Just to get through the day.

There are some days
where I know I can take on anything
and I'm ready to.

But of course, there are also the days
where I feel left out, alone and unable to keep moving forward.
I've been having a lot of those days lately.
It could be the fact that it has been winter and dark.
But I think it's because I feel like no matter what I do,
I'll never get back to my comfort zone home again.
I know that its a stupid fear. I know that.
I can't help but feel it though.

Recently I hung out with my best friends.
They reminded me what it felt like
to be in my comfort zone.
They helped me feel like I was home again.

Thank you.
Thank you.
Thank you.
You'll never know how much that has meant to me.


j.h

Goodbye . . . B*tch pt1

I'm done.

I'm done with your inconsideration

with the way you come and go 

without a word with how you just ignore us now. 

I'm done trying to be kind, to be nice.

I'm done with your whining 

especially when the things you're whining 

about could've been easily fixed. 

I'm done with how you don't even try anymore. 

I'm done with your attitude with the way you just 

expect me to clean up after you. 

What am I? 

Your slave, your servant?

If it's your mess? 

You should be the one to clean it. 

By now, I think you're starting to get the picture.

If not, let me simplify it for you.

My good opinion once lost is lost forever, bitch.

j.h

Pen

What are the uses of a pen?
Well, right now I can think of seven.
One.
The most obvious. I can use a pen to take notes.
Lecture notes, self-care notes, things to remember notes, all on Post-it Notes.
Two.
You can use a pen to store away all of your secrets.
From the "Who is my 6th-grade crush" to the ones, you are not yet willing to say out loud.
Three.
The pen can be used to build our self-worth.
Four.
Pens are used to give advice.
Wanted or not, they are there for guidance, for encouragement.
Five.
A pen will be used to share experiences. Yours, mine and theirs.
Six.
The pen can be used for fun.
You and I can write for fun. It's allowed.
Seven.
They, pens, are used to point out Beauty.
Beauty like waterfalls or mountains or the ocean.
Beauty like a mother cradling her child or when someone laughs so deeply that tears run down their cheeks.

Pens have many uses, but right now I can only think of seven. How many more can you think of?


j.h

Liar

Liar
That's what I am
I learned to twist and distort
my words at a young age.
I found comfort in the fact
that I could weave my words
into any story and people
would believe me.
Huh. I believed it was a gift.
An accomplishment.
I didn't see all the people I was hurting.
I didn't realize how isolated it had made me.
The lonelier I became
the more I began to abuse my words.
Soon enough my words,
my precious words
failed me.
It was then I realized how alone I truly was.
I learned to mold and shape
my words to bewitch and charm
those around me.
I guess, I thought that's what I needed.
A liar.
That's what I was.

j.h

The little things

There are so many little things that made me
f
 a
  l
   l
for you.
From the way you smile.
The little half-smile that you have.
To the way, you shrug your
shoulders shyly when you've done something worth praising.
But,
most of the things that made me fall
HARD
were the things you said
at one am
too quietly
when you thought I was asleep
after you kissed me the first time
when you were scared that you'd lose me.
Those whispered conversations,
the screaming matches and our laughter filled pillow talks
is what made me fall deeper.
Thank you
for showing what life could be.

j.h

Halfie

Definition:
the most beautiful,
gorgeous,
lovely,
angelic,
radiant
people on the EARTH.
I looked it up
That's what it says.
What it doesn't say is that
you don't belong
you'll never belong.
You are two halves.
One half, one race
the other another race.
You're too White, Black, Asian, Latino
for one side.
And then when you think
that maybe, just maybe
you'll belong to the other side.
You learn that
You're too Asian, White, Black, Latino
for them too.


Just remember
A family is more than blood.


j.h