Confession

At the end of the semester, I confessed my love for him.
I was so nervous.
The neck sweating, hands shaking kind.
Finally, when I saw that he was alone. I made my move.
I said to him 
Yeah. I'm just kidding.
I didn't say anything to him. 
I was going to.
I was so very nervous and I did see a chance. 
But I saw how happy he was . . .
with her.
I couldn't ruin that.
I wouldn't ruin them.
So I didn't say anything.
And to be perfectly honest. 
Best decision I've ever made.

j.h.

A good friend's marriage

A good friend of mine recently got married and
I looked at them and my first thought was
"wow I want that. They are so in love.  I. want. that."
It was the kind of love that you could visibly see.
It was the "When they danced they were the only ones in the room" kinda love.
And I want that so badly.
I don't even know why I want it now.
I am nowhere near ready for that kind of earth-shattering love.
But I want it.
Does that make me greedy? Selfish?
It always seems like the ones who don't look for Love
find it so very quickly.
It doesn't seem very fair.
A good friend of mine recently got married.
I hope their love triumphs over every trial.

j.h.

Mission

I will be gone for 18 months.
I don't know if I am ready.
I know that going on a mission is the right thing to do.
I know that.
I really do.
So, why am I so nervous?
Why am I so scared?
There are so many What if situations that could go wrong.
And knowing me?
They'll all happen.

I will be gone for 18 months.
I will learn so many things.
About myself, people and the Lord.
I want to learn.

Things will be different when I come back.
Sometimes I feel like I don't want to go.
I don't want to leave the familiar.
I don't want to come back and see that everything changed.
I don't want to miss out on things.

When I come back will my friends still want to be friends with me?
Or will I have become too changed?

I will be gone for 18 months.
I will be gone a lifetime.

j.h.